Live Free or Do What The Villains Did

The Villains made their 2nd and final trip to New Hampshire, the state most famous for… well… um… er… Manchester Airport is pretty nice?! However, our gun-toting, liberty-loving neighbors from up north got the last laugh as the Villains stumbled in a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Nashua.

New Hampshire’s prodigal son Jamie returned to his beloved homeland, worked his Granite State magic and somehow, for the first time in Villain history, got the referee on the side of the Villains w/ one of his now-trademark tactless remarks, this one about prostate exams or anal probes or something. Maybe Jamie and the ref grew up eating funnel cakes together on the Hampton Strip. Whatever the case, the ref didn’t seem to mind when in the first half Jamie delivered one of the Villains’ most accurate strikes of the season, intentionally blasting a direct kick square in the back of #17, or as his teammates were calling him, The Laconia Lard-ass, or Titty Tilton. More of the same occurred in the in the second half when Jamie leveled Tits to the ground. The Villains were bracing for Jamie’s inevitable “talking to” from the ref or yellow card at the least, only to hear the ref taunt the Windham Wide-load for diving like a Vancouver Canuck.

Unfortunately the ref could only do so much. The Villains gave up 2 early goals. Brendan, John, Jamie, and Dan all verbally took responsibility for a role in these goals but really we just kinda suck as a team sometimes. Actually, it is probably the fault of Joe, who took “Live Free or Die” literally by making up his own game-time, and showed up 30 minutes into the game.

The Villains did wake up for the end of the first half and beginning of the second. Rabbit lived a New Hampshire-style renegade “live free” weekend that included starting a 15-foot bonfire, facebooking about the fire, pounding a Miller Lite at midnight in the shower (I know I know a bit too much info here but bear with me), then shaking it all off in the game the next day and delivering a beautiful pass through the defense to Nick, who beat both the last line of defense and the keeper like Mitt Romney smacked down his opponents in the New Hampshire Primary, and tucked the ball into the net to cut the Nashua lead to 2-1 at the half.


The Villains also produced some other good chances, including a near connection between Scott and Azzy, a near-goal by Garv that Nashua's keeper made a diving save on, as well as Gatchell hitting the crossbar, but alas, Nashua pulled away like a thoroughbred at Rockingham Park with a third goal that left the Villains stalled out like an out-of-gas motorboat on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Fear not though Villains, for later in the season, Nashua will visit Massachusetts, where the rampant over-taxing of the socialist minions leads to well-manicured soccer fields and well-educated, reasonably-adjusted citizens and thus an entirely different Villain set. A well-oiled machine ready for revenge. Between now and then though, don’t go to the Pheasant Lane Mall, as you may be permanently scarred by the sight of Nashua's own #17 in the parking lot banging out his teenage girlfriend in the bed of his ’77 El Camino.

Balance, or Lack Thereof

Balance. Harmony. Equality. Even Steven. Different cultures, philosophies, and religions define this concept using different words or customs. The bottom line, however, is that a group must come together and embrace “different sides to the same coin” in order to succeed. Unfortunately on Sunday the Villians kept embracing the wrong sides of harmony in a tough 2-0 defeat at the hands of Lexington. A few examples:



“Don’t Give Up. Don’t Ever Give Up”: You may have heard this quote in a legendary speech by the late basketball coach Jim Valvano, who delivered these inspiring words prior to succumbing to cancer. In the interest of balance, however, there are times when one should not give up, and times when one should, in fact, give up. The Villians got it all backwards though. On the first goal (which I had given up on watching so I am just going from anecdotal accounts of Villains that basically boiled down to “Its not my fault!”), The Villains collectively gave up on the play when they should not have. Nobody thought a “throw-in” would generate a legit scoring opportunity, everyone gave up, and next thing you know, the ball is in the back of the net.

The second Lexington goal, however, was a time when giving up would have been the correct course of action. The ball was slowly rolling towards the goal as Nick and Joe pursued it and tried to save it from crossing the line. Nick should have given up, knowing that Joe, as he usually does, was going to hustle like a mad man and clear the ball. Instead Nick ran after the ball as well, got there a split-second too late as Joe was clearing it, and the ball deflected off Nick into the net. Can we amend Jimmie V’s legendary quote to "Give up Every Once in a While"?

Where else should the Villains have turned for advice on maintaining balance? Look no further, my friends, than to Cam’s dog’s big old balls. That’s right, that ugly thing had one ball that hung down by the ground and the other high up in the air. If the Villains had looked to Cam’s dog’s balls for guidance, they would have emulated the one on the right, and kept the ball on or near the ground at least half the time, and looked to the left nut for occasional surprise balls sent through the air. Instead, the Villains maintained their penchant for sending long, high, thru-balls that were easily gobbled up by Lexington’s keeper, instead of capitalizing on the Villains' manicured new home field and building offense through short passes and possession.

Overall, had The Villains embraced a more harmonious style of play, then perhaps the soccer gods would have acted more favorably during a last-minute fury that included at least three Villain shots off the posts and crossbar.

Other random notes from the game:

*The ref sucked, but in the interest of the universe being in balance, somehow had a decent-looking girlfriend.

*Scott had a pretty funny fall, that in no way exhibited any sense of balance or harmony.

*Lastly (and in no way relevant to the rest of this game summary), anyone have friends on facebook that ran the Boston Marathon? Talking about how sore they are today? Blah blah blah. Chances are if they ran the marathon then they probably trained for it all winter. Maybe they should try not exercising once all winter and going out and playing in an old man soccer league match! Then talk to me about being sore! Or at least just go with the old Villian gangsta-lean excuse. Damn rookies.

Statement Game

The Villains kicked off the Spring '12 season by shaking off winter weight gain and laziness and picking up a 1-0 win over a team that was a bit older, a bit slower, and a bit fatter. A win is a win though, right? The team made many character-revealing statements along the way...

Mikkel made a big statement. You mean the big goal that he scored? No. Not at all. We're talking about his post-game fashion statement. Look at that dude! Flourescent shoes, Villain socks jacked up to his knees with flannel pajama pants tucked into them. Homeless man's sweatshirt and Bud Light in hand. Safe to assume that he was on the New Hampshire team, right? Wrong. Actually you are looking at The Villains leading scorer:



Some other Villain statements:

"We are a charitable bunch": Apparently the Villains felt bad that the other team sucked, so instead of posessing the ball, we just decided to give it to their goal keeper continuously via through balls that went too far. Now, granted the other team's defense was slow, but let's face it, so are our forwards and halfbacks. A little more possession, and a little less kicking the ball to the other team is always welcomed in the ole' game-o-futbol.

"Don't Mess w/ Management": That's right, for the second consecutive season, management has pulled a coup in landing prized free agents. After last year's stellar crop of John, James, Mikel and Josh (apologies of I forgot anyone), the hits just kept on coming with the Koehler brothers and Azzy! Great first game fellas, especially since the Koehler brothers haven't played soccer since all Villain players had full heads of hair.

"Yeah sure I'll drink beer but I won't bring any myself": You know who made that statement? Every single one of you who didn't bring beer, yet somehow managed to contribute to a collective 18-beers-in-two-minutes pound session, that's who! Good thing Salach upped the ante by busting out a bottle of whiskey in the parking lot post-game.

"Nah, I didn't blow out my back, pull my hamstring, sprain my ankle, and/or tear my ACL. I'm not even limping. That's just my gangsta lean.": Statement from every Villain at work Monday trying to play it off all cool when co-workers were like, "Bro, what the eff is wrong with you and why did you need to call security to help you get out of your car this morning?"



All-in-all, good to get a win to start the season. Gotta play better moving forward. First home game vs. Lexington next weekend. Have a good Easter and go for a freaking jog or two!

Let the games begin!

See the chick in this picture? Perfect 10 right? Well guess what? The chick you are looking at used to be a dude. No lie. It is Jenna Talackova, a finalist for Miss Universe Canada. (S)he was recently disqualified from competition cuz, well.. she used to be a dude. Would you still hit it? Just kidding, don’t answer that (out loud anyways).

What does this picture have to do with the upcoming Villians soccer season, you ask? Everything, my friends. Everything. We should all aspire to have the work ethic, discipline, and determination of Jenna. If she can work her way from being a man into a smoking hot chick, then surely you can work off the 25 extra pounds of beer, egg nog, ham, turkey, pizza, chips, and whatever the hell else you gluttonously consumed all winter while Jenna was busy working out, lifting weights, taking hormone pills, inverting her penis, and sticking her finger down her throat to make herself puke.

Granted the first game is a few days away, but go for a freaking jog! Also, after the first game against Old School Soccer Club, who we beat handily last year, we have a week off for Easter before our next game. That is ample time to go for like 4 runs, or hit the treadmill, or look into a sex change operation so you can dominate the Over-The-Hill female league. Whatever decision you make, Villian Management will have your back, unless of course you just decide to sit on the couch for two weeks.

Fellas, in all seriousness, we are not getting any younger, and as we discussed last year, if we are going to ascend to the ultimate pinnacle of adulthood, an Over-The-Hill Division 1 Championship… OK I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s just make the playoffs of Division freaking 5 this season. Cool? Looking forward to hitting the pitch with you all. Someone bring beers. See you Sunday.