Playoffs, Biatches

With each week of big result after big result, it becomes more difficult to make blanket statements like, “Best victory of the season”. Sunday’s revenge win over Saugus, however, qualifies as such. With a playoff spot on the line, the Villains played a with composure, mental toughness, and clutch-ness, winning 3-0 in a game that was probably closer than the score indicates.

Mid-way through the first half, the Villains possessed the ball well, eventually working the ball laterally to Mike K., who moved up from his outside defensive spot to deliver a great cross to Ryan , who finished with a solid shot from about 15 yards out. The second goal was created by off a great free kick from Brendan from deep within the Villains defensive zone. He sent the ball over the heads of the Saugus defense to a streaking (well not really streaking per se) Azzy, who caught the keeper in “no-mans-land”, off his line but not far enough out to get the ball.  Azzy deftly one-touched the ball over the keeper’s head for a 2-0 lead that the Villains took into the half.

The second half was a struggle, but the Villains remained sound in their own zone, despite a blatant hand-ball in the box by Brendan and yellow cards from Nick and Rabbit. Finally late in the game, the Villains were able to clinch victory when Garv fought off some Saugus defenders, dug out a ball in the Saugus penalty box, resulting in Cam striking a great shot from the 18. 3-0. Ballgame. Playoffs.

The Villains haven’t been to the playoffs since the Patriots were dominating and winning Super Bowls. 

The playoff opponent is Peru Sport. Nobody knows anything about Peru but it looks like they have a penchant for scoring a lot of goals but they are also vulnerable to giving up goals. The Villains will win the game if they continue to play a solid, mistake-free, possession-oriented game in the back and the midfield, while not being afraid to take some chances offensively. Working the ball up the sidelines to the outside half-backs, forwards, and others who are making runs has worked quite well. Also short passing has been working well. Basically everything has been working, except thru balls to the other team’s keeper. As the legendary and now-plastic-surgery enhanced Kenny Rogers would tell you, “Know, when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, know when to run.” You get the point. Be solid and not reckless. But if you decide to be reckless, then be 110% reckless and make something happen. Screw Peru.

Playoffs Start a Week Early

The Villains continued rolling right along with some stellar play versus a Lynnfield team that had no idea what was coming at them. Before jumping ahead and looking at a must-win playoff-type match-up this coming weekend, let’s quickly re-cap the Lynnfield match.

The Villains first 30 minutes of play was absolutely sublime. Best the team has played in recent memory. Good defense, great possession, use of the whole field, numerous scoring opportunities. Solid. However, it wasn’t until almost 30 minutes in that the Villains were able to capitalize. After Gatchell pummeled a few Lynnfield defenders and the ball bounced to Garv in the middle of the field a few yards outside the 18, Garv collected the ball on a short hop and drilled a perfect shot into the right inner netting that the keeper had no chance at. A few minutes later, Rabbit, who was all over the goal all day long, resiliently finished a shot in a scrum to give the Villains a commanding 2-0 lead.  Later in the half, Lynnfield was awarded a penalty shot that they converted, creating a 2-1 halftime score. However, as the teams were heading to the sidelines for water and oranges, Rabbit stepped in front of some Lynnfield douche bag, ended up on the ground, and El Douche-o got a red card, all but sealing a Villain victory before the 2^nd half even started.

The second half saw some sloppy Villain play but also some solid scoring chances. In the end Mikkel was able to knock in a goal after Rabbit hit the post for the second time of the day and Eric forced the keeper to make a tough save on a rebound, and later Nick took a great cross from Fares and beat the keeper far post. Final score 4-1 Villains. Third “run-of-play” shutout in a row. Let’s close the door on that one.

The important thing now Villains is Sunday’s match-up in God’s Country vs. Saugus. The playoffs basically start this week fellas. We win, we’re in. We lose, we’re out. Oh and if we tie we’re in as well. If we lose, we’ll be tied with Saugus and since we lost to them already, and head-to-head is the tie-breaker, we’ll be out of luck. All that said, if we get good attendance and play the way we have been playing lately, we’ll take these guys.

Saugus is going to remember that awful, low-energy crap-fest we put together earlier this year. That was our worst effort of the season. It will be different this time.  They are going to show up with their nice warm-up suits and do team drills and group jogs before the game. We’ll be hungover. I’ll be lucky if I can find shorts that match my unwashed jersey. Salach is gonna show up a minute before the game smoking a cigarette and drinking a jumbo Iced coffee or 24-oz Bud. None of that shit matters though.

We’re gonna come to play when the whistle blows. Assuming we have good attendance, we’re going to run like mad, talk a ton on defense, cover up for one another, move the ball using the outside and corners of the field, and play a fuckin nastly and relentless Villain game. I’m sure Saugus has a plan. But to quote the great philosopher and boxing legend Mike Tyson, “Everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the face.” Let’s do this Villains.

Better Than a Loss

They say a tie is like kissing your sister. Well let’s just pretend our sisters are adopted… and hot… cuz that was a good tie! (By the way, I can totally make that joke because I don’t have any sisters.) Anyways, first place Trashua traveled south of the border with their trailers, kids, cousins, cousins’ kids, minimal teeth, and a full squad and invaded North Andover to meet an under-manned yet ready-to-compete Villain squad on a hot blazing hot Sunday.  As the Villains slowly arrived at the field, they each noticed a Nashua team dressed and ready, running pre-game drills. The Villains were just struggling to field a team and figure out a line-up. None of it mattered though, as an inspired Juice made his lone match of the season count, leading the defensive-minded Villains to a 0-0 tie, and handing Nashua their first non-win of the season (which is kind of unbelievable since they really aren’t all that good).

If this were your sister, would you...

In the first half the Villains got the best of play. They hit the crossbar and had a few other chances, but were unable to convert.  Fortunately, the defense played solid, despite missing many fine defenders, and the midfielders were able to control possession, ensuring that Nashua would be unable to generate any legitimate scoring opportunities.

The second half was a bit sloppier, as Nashua had the most scoring opportunities, including hitting the crossbar and forcing Salach and Juice to clear the ball off the goal-line just before the ball rolled into the goal.  Later in the half came the play of the day. I’m not exactly sure how it all started but I think the Villains turned the ball over, the defense was caught flat-footed, and Nashua got the ball deep into the box (insert a “mother” joke here). A scrum occurred in front of the goal and Juice, who filled in at goal-keeper quite well, dove on top of a Nashua player to get the ball, and the ref, who pretty much sucked, called for a Nashua penalty kick. Juice, however, was ready for the challenge. As Nashua set up for the kick, Juice hopped up-and-down, flapped his arms, and fired himself up in a way only that crazy bastard can. Whatever he did, it worked, as he made a great stop diving to his right on the kick, and then gobbled up the ball before any rebound opportunity.

The Villains clamped down after Juice’s big save and didn’t allow any more scoring opportunities. Unfortunately the offense was a bit sloppy, reverting back to the trend of too many through balls to Nashua’s keeper, instead of spreading the field and taking advantage of open guys on the outside, including Mikel. Let’s not let that happen again.

All-in-all, solid game. Next up is Lynnfield, who we beat the first time but they were without their keeper, and we scored a few cheapies. Let’s get good attendance and let’s bring it. If we have subs we can all go all out and win this game and the next. If we win out, we’re in the playoffs. Let’s do this.

UPDATE

OK who saw the Celtics game last night? You remember the critical play of the game? Rajon Rondo has the ball, tie game, 1:21 left. He drives to the hoop, clearly gets fouled, no foul is called, and Miami goes the other way and scores. 4-point swing. Was it an awful "no-call" by the ref? Absolutely. But you know why I was screaming at my TV as it happenned? Because Rondo just laid there after he hit the floor, complaining about a foul that wasn't called, as Miami brought the ball up court, took advantage of their advantage in numbers, and got an easy look and a lay-up. If Rondo played to the whistle, got up and got back on D immediately, he may have been able to help the Celtics get a stop. Check the video below:

What does this have to do with the Villains?  Everything! Fellas, play to the freaking whistle! So damn frustraing watching us bitch at the refs during the course of play! Look, we play in a shitty over-30 recreation league. The refs are going to suck. Deal with it. Keep playing until you hear a god-damn whistle! If you really need to bitch to the ref, wait until the next break in play. We can forgive Rondo cuz he dropped 44 and a near-triple double. None of us are even close to playing that well in our Villain games, so just Keep. Fu%&*ng. Playing.

Best Win of the Season

The Villains marched into Lexington and came out with a huge 1-0 win that stands on its own and makes it completely unnecessary for me to try to come up with some stupid theme-related blog about Paul Revere, the Revolutionary War, or the Battles of Lexington and Concord.  Rather, we can simply explore some of the key themes of Sunday’s big victory: Excellent Goal-keeping, solid defense, good possession, timely clutch offense, and great attendance. Oh also ridiculously stupid refereeing/rule enforcement and yet another awful field.

Goal-keeping:  John played a great game in net. While he was not tested often, he came up with at least two big saves in each half that required timing, toughness, and aggression. Granted he played a couple of bouncing balls with a casual-ness often reserved for game of stoned hackey-sack, but can’t complain about zero goals-against.

Solid Defense:  The Villain defense was stellar and disciplined, for the most part avoiding playing with the ball in the back or giving up any break-aways.  There was one play involving I think Jim completely whiffing the ball, John ending up in no-man’s-land at the top of the 18 nowhere the ball, Joe coming flailing in (and flailing out) out-of-nowhere, and no other defenders anywhere near the play, but those are simply the type of plays you chalk up to being over-30, and thankful that the other team has a bunch of equally clumsy over-30-year-old shmucks who couldn’t capitalize on Villain ineptitude.

Good Possession:  The field was wide and fast (more on the negative aspects of the field later).  This allowed for the Villains to pass the ball effectively, control the ball in space, and look up-field (or square or even to supporting players) to make composed passes, rather than air-mailing thru-balls to the goal-keeper abyss. Granted there were a few of those as well, but a Villain game without a few blasts to the opposing keeper might upset the Earth’s revolution (or is it rotation) around the sun and end human civilization as we know it.

Timely Clutch Offense:  Ryan scored the goal of the season. Hands down.  Mikel, who is in the middle of every good Villain attack, got the ball to Ryan at the corner of the 18.  Ryan fought through a few defenders, dug out the ball, turned and only had the goal-keeper to beat.  Knowing that this was a golden opportunity, he had to dip into his offensive arsenal and choose one of his signature weapons. The heel pass wasn’t gonna work, so he went with the old toe-ball! Bam. 1-0 Villains

Great Attendance:  Taking a 1-0 lead into half-time, the Villains were in good shape on this hot day. Since most of the team showed up, they had ample subs to run into and out of the game to protect the lead.  Or so they thought. During half-time though, the referee refused to allow Eric to play in the 2^nd half because he didn’t have a photo ID or the stupid-ass league-issued addendum ID-of the temporary ID-of the league-mandated-yet-never-produced-or-shared-actual league ID. Confused? No shit. Bunch of idiot-ass-clowns trying to make a simple recreation over-30 soccer league into World Cup qualifying (minus the billion dollar bribes from oil-producing nations like Qatar). Problem is, when you try to make the league all official and what-not, you should probably make sure you at least have a god-damn functioning computer or printer or someone with more intelligence than a rat or yesterday’s ref over-seeing the process. This is clearly not the case at Over-The-Hill HQ. Bitch-ass-mutha-f#@&ers.

Even without Eric and Mike Koehler in the second half, the Villains still had enough subs to stay fresh a control possession.  Though the old "turf-on-top-of-cement field" didn’t do my aching back any favors. Is it too much to ask to play on one decent field on the road this season? If the league is going to get all official and run our identification through Homeland Security before allowing us to play, how about they come out and look at some of these parking lots and sand-boxes that are passed off as soccer fields?  Whatever, the only solution is to channel our inner-Major League (the movie) Cleveland Indians and “Win. The. Whole. Fucking. Thing.”  Then maybe D-4 will have some better fields to play on.

OK I guess I will just touch briefly on a historical metaphor. 200-and-some-odd years ago Paul Revere rode his horse from Boston to Lexington to warn everyone to get out their guns and fight the damn British, who were bent on taxing and ruling these new Americans. Taxation without representation or whatever. Well I think old Paulie rolled over in his grave when he heard that the city of Lexington wouldn’t allow the Villains to crack a beer on the field after a game.  Like, isn’t that the exact reason Paul Revere made the Midnight Ride in the first place? So Americans could drink cold Coors Light out in the open free of oversight from the powers-that-be?  Not to fear, Paulie rolled back over peacefully in his grave knowing that the Villains were resourceful in finding a church parking lot down the street in which to get drunk, pee all over the place, and celebrate a hard-fought clutch victory. First place Nashua next week boys. Let’s keep it rolling.

Mother's Day Massacre

30-some-odd years ago, Villain mothers brought into the world little baby boys full of hope and promise.  Each Villain mother thought, “If I love and nurture and sacrifice, then maybe my boy will become an astronaut, or a pro athlete, or will find a cure to cancer, or maybe even become President.”  Then the cute little baby boys became disappointing juvenile delinquents, and then utterly average adults, more likely to rob a bank than to be CEO of one.  However, the 30+ years of maternal heartache and disappointment was washed away as the Villains finally stepped up and honored their mothers on Mother’s Day with a 9-2 shellacking of an over-matched and overweight Merrimack squad.

Villain mothers must have let their children run around outside a lot in their youth, and these mothers must have also encouraged sharing.  This was evident in the way that the Villains attacked the opposition by working the ball through the center midfielders to the outside halfbacks and then back into the middle of the field for some easy goals.  Apparently Merrimack moms just had their kids inside playing video games and eating twinkies. 

The central midfielders (Joe, Eric, Ryan, Rabbit, Josh) and defenders (Jamie, Mike, Dan, James) were very maternal in that they did all sorts of great work but didn’t necessarily show up on the stat sheet. If it were hockey (where two players are awarded with assists), then many of these players would have racked up stats, as many Villain goals were a result of solid build-up from the back and middle of the field.  Alas, someone’s gotta score and get assists, so Mikkel and Azzy pretty much took care of that.  Mikkel was a menace on the outside with 2 goals and 5 or 6 assists, pushing his Villain scoring lead to a perhaps-insurmountable total.  Azzy finished the same way all our dads finished 30+ years ago and tipped his hat to his mother with an ole’ fashioned hat trick.  Not to be outdone, the North Andover boys got into the action, with Garv, Nick, Brendan, and Dan all netting goals.  Dan’s goal came right after his brother Mike missed a penalty kick, and Dan ran up to Mike and was about to shout “Your Mutha!” before realizing that they actually shared the same mother so it wouldn’t make much sense to say something like that. Speaking of sharing mothers, did I ever tell you about the time me and Mrs. Ra….. Oh wait nevermind.

Other mother-fu#*ing notes from the game:

• Since Joe has done a great job digging out a lot of possessions, he has changed his last name to “Momma”, so we can all say “Jo Momma” when he steals the ball.

• Rabbitt’s mom and pop showed up, and Salach decided to honor that occasion by sticking Rabbitt in goal for the rest of the game.

• Great attendance, as we had 3 or 4 subs and completely wore down the other team in the 2^nd half. So while we basically blew off our wives and mothers by not spending the morning with them, it worked out for the team.

• All of our mothers worry about our alcoholism, so we made sure to honor them by not bringing any beer to the game. Let’s not let it happen again. 

So, I never look at the league website, but I hear we are in decent enough shape to make the playoffs. We’ve seen every team in the division thus far, and we can beat all of them.  Let’s keep up the good attendance and make the playoffs for the first time since new management took over the Villains. Word to your mother.

Uninspired

A lazy and uninspired Villains match deserves an equally lazy and uninspired blog post. So without further ado, I’m throwing in the towel with some lazy haiku…

Guido midget dude

Sucked and was offsides all day
Scored the only goal

Plenty of chances

Their keeper had bricks for hands
Villains bricks for feet

No-one stayed for beer

No player-of-week for you
‘Dems the breaks biatch

Three standout players

Garv played D and James hustled
Dave created well

Josh made some plays too

Villains still didn’t do shit
D-5 for life y’all

Holy shit that field
Was is worse than Nashua?
Different but still crap

Rabbit taken down
Near fight with Jamie involved
Shocker. Missed PK

Not much else to say
Better is how we must play
See you Mother’s Day

Winds of Change

Just play this video with sound while you read for dramatic effect:

The American Civil Rights Movement:  Freeing an entire race of people from the grips of institutionalized racism (well apparently Bruins fans on twitter didn’t get the memo). The tearing down of the Berlin Wall: Ending communist rule in East Germany and uniting a great nation (well Germany ain’t all that but they play a solid, albeit boring, brand of soccer). The End of Apartheid in South Africa: Creating an inclusive society where all races live harmoniously (actually I was there a few years back and didn’t see no white folks in any of those run-down shanty towns I passed on the way to my 5-star hotel). The recent Arab Spring Revolutions in the Middle East: The masses rose up and forced out Totalilitarian Regimes, thus creating stable democracies by and for the people (so you guys wanna back-pack through Tunisia, Libya, and Yemen this summer? No? Why not?). 

On a windy Saturday in God’s Country, just west of Middleton, Massachusetts, The Villains added their own chapter to the world’s great moments of change and liberation, in the form of new, 4-5-1 formation that left over-matched Lynnfield on the wrong side of history (OK so maybe Lynnfield’s starting keeper was out and their best defender had to play keeper, and play it poorly at that, but as demonstrated above not all historical moments of great change are as perfect and revolutionary as they are made out to be).

History books will reveal a few great tactical moments where the 4-5-1 Revolution was realized. The first was when the Villains built possession by crossing the ball laterally across the field to Salach, who was playing outside defense so he could make some offensive runs up-field, and he did just that. Salach worked the ball through Rabbit then Gatchell (who were also playing new positions), and kept marching on, not unlike Dr. King leading marches in the 60’s, eventually forcing a corner kick. Ryan did the right thing on the corner kick. Kicking it low to the near post, the ball squirmed into the net, and the revolution had begun. 

The Berlin Wall didn’t get knocked down on the first try. Similarly, the Villains second goal was marked w/ perseverance. Azzy missed a penalty kick. Eric had a nice header off a corner kick that hit the post. However, Azzy redeemed himself while rewarding Eric’s determination, finishing off a rebound to make it 2-0. Mikel then rose up among a scrum of common folk to score a back-breaking goal to push the Villain lead to 3-0 at the half.
                                                                                                                                                                            

Revolutionary movements always have steady, behind-the-scenes, workers who make things happen. Fares has been that type of Villain for many seasons. He was rewarded for his steady work by tucking in a well-placed strike in the corner of the net off a nice pass from Rabbit.  The Villains then let down their guard a bit and allowed Lynnfield a glimmer of hope, by allowing two goals, cutting the lead to 4-2. Then, however, James was released from the confines of the Villain defense like Mandela being freed from the shackles of Robben Island, scoring a goal off a nice set-up from Josh, to seal the victory.

Lastly, great changes often come w/ moments of uncertainty, not unlike when Mike Koehler got knocked over either by the ball or by the winds of change themselves, or when John called off Brendan on a ball in the air, then yelled at Brendan for not heading the ball. In the end though, the defense was strong, anchored by many aggressive and decisive saves by John in goal.

Revolutions also run out of steam. As I have run out of steam by driving this metaphor into the dirt. This week we visit Saugus I believe. Viva la Revolution!! Listen to the Winds of Change.