Mother's Day Massacre

30-some-odd years ago, Villain mothers brought into the world little baby boys full of hope and promise.  Each Villain mother thought, “If I love and nurture and sacrifice, then maybe my boy will become an astronaut, or a pro athlete, or will find a cure to cancer, or maybe even become President.”  Then the cute little baby boys became disappointing juvenile delinquents, and then utterly average adults, more likely to rob a bank than to be CEO of one.  However, the 30+ years of maternal heartache and disappointment was washed away as the Villains finally stepped up and honored their mothers on Mother’s Day with a 9-2 shellacking of an over-matched and overweight Merrimack squad.

Villain mothers must have let their children run around outside a lot in their youth, and these mothers must have also encouraged sharing.  This was evident in the way that the Villains attacked the opposition by working the ball through the center midfielders to the outside halfbacks and then back into the middle of the field for some easy goals.  Apparently Merrimack moms just had their kids inside playing video games and eating twinkies. 

The central midfielders (Joe, Eric, Ryan, Rabbit, Josh) and defenders (Jamie, Mike, Dan, James) were very maternal in that they did all sorts of great work but didn’t necessarily show up on the stat sheet. If it were hockey (where two players are awarded with assists), then many of these players would have racked up stats, as many Villain goals were a result of solid build-up from the back and middle of the field.  Alas, someone’s gotta score and get assists, so Mikkel and Azzy pretty much took care of that.  Mikkel was a menace on the outside with 2 goals and 5 or 6 assists, pushing his Villain scoring lead to a perhaps-insurmountable total.  Azzy finished the same way all our dads finished 30+ years ago and tipped his hat to his mother with an ole’ fashioned hat trick.  Not to be outdone, the North Andover boys got into the action, with Garv, Nick, Brendan, and Dan all netting goals.  Dan’s goal came right after his brother Mike missed a penalty kick, and Dan ran up to Mike and was about to shout “Your Mutha!” before realizing that they actually shared the same mother so it wouldn’t make much sense to say something like that. Speaking of sharing mothers, did I ever tell you about the time me and Mrs. Ra….. Oh wait nevermind.

Other mother-fu#*ing notes from the game:

• Since Joe has done a great job digging out a lot of possessions, he has changed his last name to “Momma”, so we can all say “Jo Momma” when he steals the ball.

• Rabbitt’s mom and pop showed up, and Salach decided to honor that occasion by sticking Rabbitt in goal for the rest of the game.

• Great attendance, as we had 3 or 4 subs and completely wore down the other team in the 2^nd half. So while we basically blew off our wives and mothers by not spending the morning with them, it worked out for the team.

• All of our mothers worry about our alcoholism, so we made sure to honor them by not bringing any beer to the game. Let’s not let it happen again. 

So, I never look at the league website, but I hear we are in decent enough shape to make the playoffs. We’ve seen every team in the division thus far, and we can beat all of them.  Let’s keep up the good attendance and make the playoffs for the first time since new management took over the Villains. Word to your mother.