Live Free or Do What The Villains Did

The Villains made their 2nd and final trip to New Hampshire, the state most famous for… well… um… er… Manchester Airport is pretty nice?! However, our gun-toting, liberty-loving neighbors from up north got the last laugh as the Villains stumbled in a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Nashua.

New Hampshire’s prodigal son Jamie returned to his beloved homeland, worked his Granite State magic and somehow, for the first time in Villain history, got the referee on the side of the Villains w/ one of his now-trademark tactless remarks, this one about prostate exams or anal probes or something. Maybe Jamie and the ref grew up eating funnel cakes together on the Hampton Strip. Whatever the case, the ref didn’t seem to mind when in the first half Jamie delivered one of the Villains’ most accurate strikes of the season, intentionally blasting a direct kick square in the back of #17, or as his teammates were calling him, The Laconia Lard-ass, or Titty Tilton. More of the same occurred in the in the second half when Jamie leveled Tits to the ground. The Villains were bracing for Jamie’s inevitable “talking to” from the ref or yellow card at the least, only to hear the ref taunt the Windham Wide-load for diving like a Vancouver Canuck.

Unfortunately the ref could only do so much. The Villains gave up 2 early goals. Brendan, John, Jamie, and Dan all verbally took responsibility for a role in these goals but really we just kinda suck as a team sometimes. Actually, it is probably the fault of Joe, who took “Live Free or Die” literally by making up his own game-time, and showed up 30 minutes into the game.

The Villains did wake up for the end of the first half and beginning of the second. Rabbit lived a New Hampshire-style renegade “live free” weekend that included starting a 15-foot bonfire, facebooking about the fire, pounding a Miller Lite at midnight in the shower (I know I know a bit too much info here but bear with me), then shaking it all off in the game the next day and delivering a beautiful pass through the defense to Nick, who beat both the last line of defense and the keeper like Mitt Romney smacked down his opponents in the New Hampshire Primary, and tucked the ball into the net to cut the Nashua lead to 2-1 at the half.


The Villains also produced some other good chances, including a near connection between Scott and Azzy, a near-goal by Garv that Nashua's keeper made a diving save on, as well as Gatchell hitting the crossbar, but alas, Nashua pulled away like a thoroughbred at Rockingham Park with a third goal that left the Villains stalled out like an out-of-gas motorboat on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee.

Fear not though Villains, for later in the season, Nashua will visit Massachusetts, where the rampant over-taxing of the socialist minions leads to well-manicured soccer fields and well-educated, reasonably-adjusted citizens and thus an entirely different Villain set. A well-oiled machine ready for revenge. Between now and then though, don’t go to the Pheasant Lane Mall, as you may be permanently scarred by the sight of Nashua's own #17 in the parking lot banging out his teenage girlfriend in the bed of his ’77 El Camino.

Balance, or Lack Thereof

Balance. Harmony. Equality. Even Steven. Different cultures, philosophies, and religions define this concept using different words or customs. The bottom line, however, is that a group must come together and embrace “different sides to the same coin” in order to succeed. Unfortunately on Sunday the Villians kept embracing the wrong sides of harmony in a tough 2-0 defeat at the hands of Lexington. A few examples:



“Don’t Give Up. Don’t Ever Give Up”: You may have heard this quote in a legendary speech by the late basketball coach Jim Valvano, who delivered these inspiring words prior to succumbing to cancer. In the interest of balance, however, there are times when one should not give up, and times when one should, in fact, give up. The Villians got it all backwards though. On the first goal (which I had given up on watching so I am just going from anecdotal accounts of Villains that basically boiled down to “Its not my fault!”), The Villains collectively gave up on the play when they should not have. Nobody thought a “throw-in” would generate a legit scoring opportunity, everyone gave up, and next thing you know, the ball is in the back of the net.

The second Lexington goal, however, was a time when giving up would have been the correct course of action. The ball was slowly rolling towards the goal as Nick and Joe pursued it and tried to save it from crossing the line. Nick should have given up, knowing that Joe, as he usually does, was going to hustle like a mad man and clear the ball. Instead Nick ran after the ball as well, got there a split-second too late as Joe was clearing it, and the ball deflected off Nick into the net. Can we amend Jimmie V’s legendary quote to "Give up Every Once in a While"?

Where else should the Villains have turned for advice on maintaining balance? Look no further, my friends, than to Cam’s dog’s big old balls. That’s right, that ugly thing had one ball that hung down by the ground and the other high up in the air. If the Villains had looked to Cam’s dog’s balls for guidance, they would have emulated the one on the right, and kept the ball on or near the ground at least half the time, and looked to the left nut for occasional surprise balls sent through the air. Instead, the Villains maintained their penchant for sending long, high, thru-balls that were easily gobbled up by Lexington’s keeper, instead of capitalizing on the Villains' manicured new home field and building offense through short passes and possession.

Overall, had The Villains embraced a more harmonious style of play, then perhaps the soccer gods would have acted more favorably during a last-minute fury that included at least three Villain shots off the posts and crossbar.

Other random notes from the game:

*The ref sucked, but in the interest of the universe being in balance, somehow had a decent-looking girlfriend.

*Scott had a pretty funny fall, that in no way exhibited any sense of balance or harmony.

*Lastly (and in no way relevant to the rest of this game summary), anyone have friends on facebook that ran the Boston Marathon? Talking about how sore they are today? Blah blah blah. Chances are if they ran the marathon then they probably trained for it all winter. Maybe they should try not exercising once all winter and going out and playing in an old man soccer league match! Then talk to me about being sore! Or at least just go with the old Villian gangsta-lean excuse. Damn rookies.

Statement Game

The Villains kicked off the Spring '12 season by shaking off winter weight gain and laziness and picking up a 1-0 win over a team that was a bit older, a bit slower, and a bit fatter. A win is a win though, right? The team made many character-revealing statements along the way...

Mikkel made a big statement. You mean the big goal that he scored? No. Not at all. We're talking about his post-game fashion statement. Look at that dude! Flourescent shoes, Villain socks jacked up to his knees with flannel pajama pants tucked into them. Homeless man's sweatshirt and Bud Light in hand. Safe to assume that he was on the New Hampshire team, right? Wrong. Actually you are looking at The Villains leading scorer:



Some other Villain statements:

"We are a charitable bunch": Apparently the Villains felt bad that the other team sucked, so instead of posessing the ball, we just decided to give it to their goal keeper continuously via through balls that went too far. Now, granted the other team's defense was slow, but let's face it, so are our forwards and halfbacks. A little more possession, and a little less kicking the ball to the other team is always welcomed in the ole' game-o-futbol.

"Don't Mess w/ Management": That's right, for the second consecutive season, management has pulled a coup in landing prized free agents. After last year's stellar crop of John, James, Mikel and Josh (apologies of I forgot anyone), the hits just kept on coming with the Koehler brothers and Azzy! Great first game fellas, especially since the Koehler brothers haven't played soccer since all Villain players had full heads of hair.

"Yeah sure I'll drink beer but I won't bring any myself": You know who made that statement? Every single one of you who didn't bring beer, yet somehow managed to contribute to a collective 18-beers-in-two-minutes pound session, that's who! Good thing Salach upped the ante by busting out a bottle of whiskey in the parking lot post-game.

"Nah, I didn't blow out my back, pull my hamstring, sprain my ankle, and/or tear my ACL. I'm not even limping. That's just my gangsta lean.": Statement from every Villain at work Monday trying to play it off all cool when co-workers were like, "Bro, what the eff is wrong with you and why did you need to call security to help you get out of your car this morning?"



All-in-all, good to get a win to start the season. Gotta play better moving forward. First home game vs. Lexington next weekend. Have a good Easter and go for a freaking jog or two!

Let the games begin!

See the chick in this picture? Perfect 10 right? Well guess what? The chick you are looking at used to be a dude. No lie. It is Jenna Talackova, a finalist for Miss Universe Canada. (S)he was recently disqualified from competition cuz, well.. she used to be a dude. Would you still hit it? Just kidding, don’t answer that (out loud anyways).

What does this picture have to do with the upcoming Villians soccer season, you ask? Everything, my friends. Everything. We should all aspire to have the work ethic, discipline, and determination of Jenna. If she can work her way from being a man into a smoking hot chick, then surely you can work off the 25 extra pounds of beer, egg nog, ham, turkey, pizza, chips, and whatever the hell else you gluttonously consumed all winter while Jenna was busy working out, lifting weights, taking hormone pills, inverting her penis, and sticking her finger down her throat to make herself puke.

Granted the first game is a few days away, but go for a freaking jog! Also, after the first game against Old School Soccer Club, who we beat handily last year, we have a week off for Easter before our next game. That is ample time to go for like 4 runs, or hit the treadmill, or look into a sex change operation so you can dominate the Over-The-Hill female league. Whatever decision you make, Villian Management will have your back, unless of course you just decide to sit on the couch for two weeks.

Fellas, in all seriousness, we are not getting any younger, and as we discussed last year, if we are going to ascend to the ultimate pinnacle of adulthood, an Over-The-Hill Division 1 Championship… OK I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s just make the playoffs of Division freaking 5 this season. Cool? Looking forward to hitting the pitch with you all. Someone bring beers. See you Sunday.

Tough Loss

The Villians suffered a difficult defeat at the hands of Nashua on Sunday. Not an atypical game for the Villians. We carried play but couldn't put one past their keeper (who clearly wasn't the same keeper we played earlier in the year). Our defense had one breakdown and not even a diving save by John could help, as Nashua tucked away the rebound. The 1-0 loss all but ensures that the Villians will be unable to move up to Division 4 next season. Thus, the team will have to wait until 2012 to take a crack ascending through the ranks of the “Over The Hill” Soccer League to the ultimate destination: Division 1 Champions, which not coincidentally will represent the last great on-field athletic accomplishment of all of our lives.

That’s right fellas, as my two trips to the chiropractor last week reminded me, we are not getting any younger. Running around a field chasing a ball and swearing at referees is not getting any easier. With each season that passes, other teams are replenishing their rosters with younger, faster, less angry players that contribute to both better tactical on-field performance as well as a more unified, collaborative sense of “team”. The time in which we currently exist is a defining one for the Villians, for it is now that we begin our multi-season ascent to greatness.

Have the preceding words painted too bleak a picture? Fear not my friends, as there is still time, and certainly there is some historical precedent to look at for inspiration. The Villians are not unlike the current New England Patriot franchise. The Patriots had much success earlier in the decade, with multiple championship seasons and the like, but have had to rebuild the roster with an influx of young talent to combine with Hall-of-Fame-caliber veterans and management, and are once again poised to be great over the next few years. Similarly, the Villians had some successful seasons climbing from Division 5 to Division 3 before leveling off and descending back to Division 5. Now, with a solid crop of new players this season in Mikkel, John, Josh, and Jim, hopefully a few more next season, combined with the Villians incredibly skilled and proven veterans (Seriously I’ll take Salach and Jamie over Belichick and Brady any day… In a drinking contest that is, but I digress), the time is now for “The Ascension”.

This season has been our last mulligan. We finish strong, instilling fear and doubt into our opponents. Two wins to prepare ourselves for the glorious days ahead, and to leave a victorious taste in our mouths throughout the winter that no amount of turkey, egg-nog, whiskey, fruit cake, crack cocaine, or any other holiday pleasure can chase away. The end of this season and the immediate seasons that lie ahead will be our final athletic submissions to the Gods of Sport. As we grow older and move away from the field into coaching our kids’ teams and living vicariously through our fantasy football rosters, our ascension to Division 1 will be the closing argument in the Universe’s judgment of our athletic lives. Let’s emerge victorious.

Seriously though, who the f*#k is bringing beers this week?

We can all learn from the Red Sox!

Look, it is not that hard. We have all been doing it for like 20 years. Possibly more. It should be second nature by now. It is not very difficult. Sometimes it may require communication, teamwork, and collaboration. Other times it just takes looking in the mirror and deciding that you are going to be the one to step up and get it done. Everyone needs to take responsibility and be accountable. Sure it is a moment for soul-searching and reflection but more importantly it is time for action.

That's right, someone needs to step up and bring beers to our god damn soccer games every week! None of this, “Oh well I brought them last week,” or “I have to run to my kid’s First Communion right after the game” or whatever. No. Step up. Be accountable. You go grocery shopping on Saturday? Throw a twelve pack in the cart. Fillin up your car with gas sometime during the week? Stop in the Quicky mart and grab an 18-rack. Hell, I don’t care if you piss in an empty Corona bottle and call it beer! You think Brendan won’t drink it?! Then once you’ve either bought beers or pissed in 6 Corona bottles, fire off an email to management and let us know about your heroic gesture. With those easy steps you will help fill the Villians with winning characteristics that they have clearly been lacking. Accountability. Victory. Heroism.

Losing 6-2 is one thing. But what is more embarrassing is having to walk by the back of someone on the other team’s car, where all of their players are huddled up, passing around beers, chatting about the game and having a good time, knowing that we are just headed back to our cars empty handed. Granted it was a nice consolation prize to find a Manchester establishment with 99 cent Bud drafts and 50 cent wings, but do we really need to help build up the economy of Manchester-By-The-Sea?!

To paraphrase an anonymous Villian. “Look, I don’t play soccer to play soccer. I play it to get out of my house for a few hours and get drunk.”

Clearly the lack of beers affected the Villians on the field Sunday. Rabbit tucked in a nice goal in the first half off a rebound of a Garv shot, but clearly his concentration and stamina were shot in the second half, resulting in a missed penalty kick. Was it the lack of his typical pre-game pounder? Me thinks so.

I (Nick), knowing there were no beers to look forward to after the game, was clearly on edge, channeling my inner-Jamie and screaming at John after one of many Hurricane break-aways (Sorry bout that bro. Would have loved to offer you a beer afterwards to reconcile, but…. well….).

One positive is that nobody told Joe that there were no beers to look forward to after the game, so he was unaffected, ran like a dog like he always does, and scored a real nice goal in the second half. It is also worth noting that The Villians were lacking in players and everyone who showed up played pretty well. The Villians just lost focus and concentration in the second half, and the Hurricanes turned a pretty close game into a lopsided one.

There are some things we can control and some things we can’t. If we win out we will be in good shape, but still have to hope that the Hurricanes lose. Win or lose though, we can always show up with a cooler filled with cold, crisp, refreshing beers (or even luke-warm bottles of piss). Whether or not we accomplish this though depends entirely on each of us taking personal responsibility for the greater cause: Villians gettin they post-game fade on. Cheers.

Columbus Day Massacre!

Columbus Day weekend proved to be a pivotal moment in history for the Villians, much like Christopher Columbus' discovery of America 519 years ago. The Villians man-handled Harvard in 2 games over the week-end, winning 4-0 on Saturday and 9-2 on Sunday, to remain in first place on put the rest of the league on notice. There were parallels throughout the week-end to Columbus and the great explorers of history. Let's get to them:

When Columbus set sail west from Spain, his intention was to hit the West Indies. Instead, he hit what would become Miami or some shit. What he didn't know at the time, was the land he discovered would one day become the U.S.A., the greatest country on Earth, a nation in first place in the world. Similarly, the Villians simply set out to win a few games, but instead discovered an incredibly potent offense and a shut-down defense (when needed). They set sail for victory and discovered the fruits of their journey were far more than they could have asked for.

A less glorious portrait of Columbus has been painted by some historians. For, there were already Native Americans in this land for hundreds of years before Columbus "discovered" America. Columbus opened the door for Europeans to come over and destroy, rape, pillage, and build a great nation on the backs of colonialism and slave labor. Similarly, The Villians encountered a soccer team in Harvard who, while seemingly decent people, needed to be exploited for the less-sophistaced savages that they were. That is what the Villians did. They exposed this team and exploited the fact that they lacked the skill and resources to make a stand in the world of dog-eat-dog Division 5 soccer.

In Sunday's match, Juice was like Magellan times two. See, Magellan was the first explorer to circumnavigate the globe by boat, sort of the equivalent of scoring a hat trick in a Division 5 over-30 soccer match. Well, Juice scored freaking 6 goals! That's right... 6!! Dude had 5 at half-time! In explorer metaphors, that is a double circumnavigation of the globe! Yeah, Magellan... real impressive buddy... but we got planes now, and we got Juice!!

There are reports that Columbus died an unhappy man, as he had intended to be the first explorer to sail west and circle the globe. Instead, he hit Miami (hopefully South Beach was poppin with some fine Native American women only wearing leaves), and didn't make it around the earth, leaving that feat for Magellan. This is kinda like Cam, who after scoring a goal in Saturday's game remarked that he was the Villians leading scorer. Um, then Juice a.k.a. Magellan showed up Sunday and put Cam in his place, probabbly for good.
OK. That's about as far as I can go with Explorer Metaphors. Can't think of any other explorers besides Vasco De Gama, and I have no idea what he did, and I refuse to spend too much more time on fucking Villian soccer. I am already in the dog house at home for spending the whole weekend at the soccer field. It should be noted though that there were a handful of players who were true warriors for the Villian cause, playing both games throughout the weekend, and we're all paying for it now with the inability to walk straight. Brendan, Rabbit, Joe, Nick, Ryan, Gatchell, and Cam. While key contributions were made by every single player who showed up at either game over the weekend, some quick notes on the 2-game warriors: Brendan played very solid at keeper on Saturday, then scored a goal late in the game, then got obliterated on the golf course, passed out at 6:00 pm and played another stellar match Sunday. Rabbit played a ton of defense all weekend, and still managed to get like 4 assists. The Rabbit-to-Juice thru-balls were workin well. There was one good player on Harvard: #9. He was fast as hell and Nick and Joe chased him down all game Saturday. Ran him so hard he pulled something, injured himself, and didn't even show up Sunday. So, Nick and Joe moved up to forward for the second half of the second game and created some nice chances and even capitalized on a few (and missed a few others). Ryan and Gatchell held down the middle like they always do. Gatch dug out every ball he could, and some I didn't think he could, and scored a goal. Ryan controlled the ball and set up a bunch of scoring opportunities. We already talked about Cam, who is showing a nice knack for the goal these days, and tellin everyone about it.

All-in-all, great week-end! And yeah I'm not above closing it on an awful Explorer play-n-words.... Vasco de Gama, you say? I say Villians-got-Game-a!!!